the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
