are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
