hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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