she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
