just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
