I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize