Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I think I died a long time ago.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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