I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
