i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
