Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
