I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize