Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
pray to the hookup gods
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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