Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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