I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
