I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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