Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
