Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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