I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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