Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
