Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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