I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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