What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
