i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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