every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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