I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
