ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
even my farts smell like vagina
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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