im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I'm bleeding and have questions
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
