I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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