Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
