There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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