I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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