Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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