five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
