Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
