I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
