He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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