in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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