I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
