don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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