I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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