So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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