I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
40s are totally the cure
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
