eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
