dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
