I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
