thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
