You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
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