i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
