So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
