I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
