So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
