My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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