The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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