he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
