I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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