Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
i now understand why vodka
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
