and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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