I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
