they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
